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10 Ways to Have a Valentine’s Day-Free Valentine’s Day

I mustache you to be my valentine card ($2.95, zazzle.com) Image: zazzle.com

Aah, love is in the UP air and so will be those shiny red, heart-shaped balloons this Thursday. Some people will spend that one day of the year expressing their love for their significant others through boxes of chocolates, heart-shaped cubic zirconia necklaces, lingerie, and flowers (or Edible Arrangements, if you prefer) after spending the past month stress-fully trying to figure out what their partners want.

But those of you who do not have that special someone need not fear. Nor do you have to spend the day in sweats, wanting to push every cute, happy couple off the bluff, and hosting anti-Valentine’s Day parties with your single friends, which really consists of a Blue Valentine viewing and copious amounts of self-pity.

It should go without saying that you are perfectly fine by your single, independent, beautiful self and you’re even probably better off not spending your last month’s paycheck on things that scream commercialized romance (except chocolate, of course). Moreover, you don’t have to wallow in your singleness or go on an I-hate-all-things-Valentine rampage.

So what should you do?

Here are some ways to pass the 14th utterly Valentine’s Day-free:

  1. Stare at a wall and follow that floating speck of dust on your eyeball until you catch it.
  2. Get out that 5000-piece puzzle and start workin’ on it.
  3. See a kid’s movie, like Escape from Planet Earth, and make sure the show times are nowhere near when Safe Haven is playing.
  4. Drink a classy glass of white (not red because that’s the color of love) wine in a classy silk robe by a classy fireplace and feel classy.
  5. Pick lint off your IKEA rug.
  6. Put on a techno song sans lyrics (more importantly, sans lyrics about love) and turn your light switch on and off quickly for an awesome room rave.
  7. Count how many words are in any one of your textbook reading assignments and square that number by two by hand.
  8. Play Temple Run 2 until you have gone without dying for half an hour.
  9. Go to the Terrace Room Interim Library and make as many photocopies of your face as you can until your printer money runs out.
  10. Finally, avoid all TV, internet, and social media and live in a broom-cupboard, Harry Potter-style.
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